The 10 CoMADDENments

Posted: August 24, 2011 by arayegee in Mancave Fundamentals, NFL

August 30th, 2011 marks the release of the Madden 2012. This game really needs no introduction, but to the gents without testicles and the gals without gents, I shall giveth you a brief introduction.

Never get this close to a TV. Then you cant see your wideouts.

Madden is the premier football video game. For the next calendar year, the casual (Black) video gamer will really only need three games: Call of Duty, NBA2K, and Madden. (Those who play NBA Live will be forcibly removed from the ManCave).  Madden is a rite of passage for male adolescents, one that establishes the pecking order in male social groups. It is a must-have in ManCaves, the #1 option for killing time. If Madden is an addiction, then its the most social drug of all time outside of marijuana and alcohol. In fact, the combination of the three should be on every collegiate ManCaver’s bucket list. Each edition of Madden brings a few new features and wrinkles, and this one will not be any different. However, in the hallowed fraternity of Madden Phi Phootball, Inc., there are things that remain steadfast throughout each year.  These guidelines are sacred, and must be strictly followed so as to preserve the legacy and tradition of this cherished event. Moses had commandments. We at the ManCave have mandates, for we know that if these rules are not followed, violent repercussions shall commence expeditiously. Ladies and loser-men, I advise you to not dismiss this game as child’s play.  I have seen many women leave rooms disappointed as their man has denied requests for quality time for One more go ‘round of madden. And ladies, avoid the urge to offer your man ‘The Yams” during madden, you will not like the end result. (this will be explained in the CoMADDENments)

Relationships will be tested. Friendships will be scarred (just you emotional, punk ass online gamers), and time management will be thrown into a matrix. However, if our mandates are adhered to, these things do not need to happen. So print this blog, post it in your mancave or gaming area, and before every Madden session make it necessary for every Madden gamer, friend of a Madden gamer, and significant other of a Madden gamer to take a look at…

Fun Fact: Moses is Madden's grandfather.

The 10 ComMADDENments

  1. 1.       Speaketh NOT to a madden player while engaged in a game of madden unless first spoken to. All questions and comments will be taken at the conclusion of the game, a timeout, or by an inadvertent push of the “start” Button.

 

  1. 2.      Thou shalt not use the best team on the game to play against an opponent. All wins will be considered half wins and all losses will be seen as ‘skunk’. No exceptions.

 

 

  1. 3.      The 21-0 ‘Skunk’ rule goes as such: if your opponent is up 21-0, you give your controller to the victor, you find the back of the line, and you go there.

  1. 4.     Placing your body, or anything in your possession, in the line of sight of the television while a game is in session is grounds for dismissal from the gaming area and/or banishment from all mancaves for 1 week.

 

  1. 5.      Your online madden level must be a true representation of your experience and gaming expertise. Playing your geriatric uncle and his half-blind friends in an online match may make you a level 17, but a solid level 4 kicks your ass up and down the field, you will be exposed and sentenced to do time in the kitchen.

 

  1. 6.     After an crushing defeat, one must not ask for a rematch from the victor for approximately 72 hours OR after he/she has proven themselves as a worthy adversary.

 

  1. 7.      Women, if you make the decision to present your man “The YAMS” during a madden session, they will be graciously accepted….but do not be surprised if that madden game is un-paused and continued once the yams have been candied. Its best to just leave your man alone. *men, adhere to this rule at your own discretion. its best to flat-out deny yams, or you might catch a case of the “cut-offs”.

 

  1. 8.      Your madden:work ratio should be 1:4. So if you work 40 hours a week, yo ass shalt not be playing madden for more than 10 hours every seven days. The only exemption to this comaddenment is during the first two weeks after the initial release date or purchase.

 

 

  1. 9.     The home team shall choose what jersey they will wear and the away team will choose their jerseys accordingly. The two jerseys must contrast!!! No more red vs red or black vs black. Thou shalt not do that annoying shit. That shit might get thine ass kicked.

 

  1. 10.  Thou shalt never ask a gamer to quit a game during his franchise. A real madden gamer understands the bond between him and his franchise. You begin to develop emotions for the players in real life. You even begin to develop them for the spontaneously created players. This bond is passionate. Do not interfere with the bond *Avatar voice*.

 

Read. And accept.

 

 

And sign here ___________________________________________________

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Comments
  1. LBC says:

    1. Let’s not forget about don’t send me no damn “friendly quit” when Im up my 21 in the 3rd in online play.

    2. Don’t swindle me with the pull out your ethernet cord talking about “Your Opponent has lost service”

  2. RenzReport says:

    I support this rule:

    10. Thou shalt never ask a gamer to quit a game during his franchise. A real madden gamer understands the bond between him and his franchise. You begin to develop emotions for the players in real life. You even begin to develop them for the spontaneously created players. This bond is passionate. Do not interfere with the bond *Avatar voice*.

    But you also can’t restart your game in the middle of a Franchise b/c your start player got hurt and is out for the rest of the season…not cool!

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