The Circle, err, Gridiron of Life

Posted: September 15, 2011 by arayegee in Disney, Movies, NFL

Ask me what my favorite movie and sport was in 1995, and I would have told you with no hesitation The Lion King and football. Ask me what my favorite movie and sport is in 2011, and  I would have told you with no hesitation The Lion King and football.  This weekend marks the return of a Disney classic, “The Lion King”, now available to us in 3D. There probably isnt a reader of the ManCave06 that hasnt seen this movie, and if you havent, its no need in going to the kitchen, you wont be welcome there either. Just take the rock that you have been living under for the past 15 years and use it to terminate yourself. The Lion King boasts itself as being the only Disney film that has no human characters, or even the reference of a human in the entire movie. Shocking, considering the personification of the characters made you almost believe they were people.

With the NFL season just kicking off last weekend, it got me thinking: if the NFL held an audition for the roles of the Lion King characters, who would the cast be? Outside of the singing, the roaring, and the pushing of siblings off of cliffs (*tear*), here is who I would cast as the (NF)Lion King.

Pretty captivating smiles...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simba– Young, a little dumb, wildly charismatic, and impatiently waiting for his time on the throne.  This part was made for Carolina Panthers rookie QB Cam Newton. After being drafted and already being hailed as ‘JaMarcus Russell 2.0’, he turned in a spectacular Week 1 performance, albeit a loss. His haaaay-terrrs are silenced for now, but will young Simba lead his pack of Panthers into the Prideland, or will his naive youth have him  staring into the eyes of hungry hyenas (Week 2 opponent, Green Bay Packers) who are notorious for killing brash lion cubs?

..dont ya think?

 

 

Nala– Oh, this is a tough one. Nobody in the NFL wants to be viewed as a girl. But Nala is smart, supportive of her team, loyal even when there seems to be no hope, and has a hell of a lot of fight in her. Mr. Larry Fitzgerald, this one goes to you. For a stretch of your career, you and Anquan Boldin were joined at the hip, pairing to be a dynamic WR combination. Then Kurt Warner came. Then Anquan left. Then Kurt retired, and recently you’ve been all alone. Even with Kevin Kolb, you’re still alone. But in the midst of your pride of lions falling apart, and Scar, errr, Whisenhunt not recognizing you cant hold this offense together on your own, you have remained a class act. Your loyalty has always been rewarded with a husband and a little babyfat contract.

Plus you’re a wide reciever, and as a defensive back, I think you’re a little pussy(cat) anyway.

Mufasa – Oh this one is easy. Peyton Manning. The stoic, intelligent undisputed king of the league for the past ten years. Undeniably the heart, soul, and rock of his franchise. Presence is so large that divisional opponents draft their players with him in mind. (RE: Mario Williams, Derrick Harvey, Cortland Finnegan,Reggie Nelson to name a few). His reign has been consistent so far, but even superheroes can break down over time, and which these recent neck surgeries looks like Peyton is approaching his cliff finale.

Polian!!! Owner!.........HELP ME!!!!

"Polian!!! Owner.........HELP ME!!!!"

We know that Rex Ryan is not eating fruits and veggies of any kind, but hey.

Rafiki – Rakifi would be played by none other than New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. Who else could play this wise, quirky, off the wall primate but the quirkiest, off the wall coach we have seen in recent memory. Rafiki’s time on screen was memorable, as are Ryan’s press conferences. In the midst of all the jabbering and talking, he is an intelligent warrior who looks out for his team’s best interest. Now if only he can drop a few dozen pounds, he might be able to climb up that tree.

 

 

 

 

 

Shenzai, Banzai, and Ed – This clumsy pack of slobbering, mangy, stupid pooches *Zazu voice* were very entertaining.

"The playoffs"....*shutters* "oooooh...say it again".

Alot of show, very good for a joke, but no substance at all. Although Shenzai (voiced by Whoopi Goldberg) was the proverbial leader, there was a feeling that all three were playing second fiddle to each other. Even when these guys are up, they manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Finding no luck even preying on the weakest of game, they run to seek guidance from a figure who has no business leading them. Even with countless numbers of troops and supporters, this pack is just always going to ‘dangle at the bottom of the food chain’. Does this not sound like the entire Dallas Cowboys franchise?

If it were up to him, the camera would be Puumba

Timon – More mouth than might, but witty enough to get himself out of any situation. Oh Mr. OchoCinco, you finally made it to the big screen! The Patriots WR is past his prime, but his production somehow gets a pass because of his entertainment value and willingness to make lemonade out of lemons. How else can you explain a player in lowly Cincinnati making national headlines for something that didnt  involve a mugshot? Even out of his element in Foxborough, he manages to make the best of what he has. Not to mention his contract is quite favorable considering he is a 33 year old receiver. Hakuna Matata, indeed.

Our NFL Puumba carrying a pigskin of his own. Behold, the Circle of Life.

Puumba– PackersDT BJ Ravi. Who doesnt like a big boy that can have fun? Known as a nice guy, but plays with a meeeean streak. Not sure if he has a problem with flatulence, but this may explain the gaping holes found in opposing teams’ offensive lines.

 

 

Scar -NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The similarities?  Deceptive, manipulative, odd orange skin color, will kill the soul of a league just for his murky sense of ‘the greater good’, gets under your skin, says all the right things and does all the worst things.  Differences? Unfortunately, one cant be fed to hyenas in a pool of fire. Or can he?

Yes, his teeth and ambition are bared.

 

Before you go, vote!

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Comments
  1. RenzReport says:

    ROFL…too funny!

  2. […] The Circle, err, Gridiron of Life […]

  3. LBC says:

    How in the world did you come up this? The fact that Cam Newton smiles just like Simba bring me to tears. Only you could figure out a way to successfully compare NFL players and teams to characters from Lion King.

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