It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (if you root against these suckers)

Posted: October 3, 2011 by dontbeskerritt in Just Turrible, MLB, NFL

It Would Be A Better World If Philadelphia Fans Looked Like This


As a prisoner of the irrational fan complex that is the Philadelphia sports complex, I have to say that Sunday, October 2 was one of the great days of my occupation in this lovely city.  This piece will describe the joy I felt as I witnessed the pain of my fellow citizens of the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection.  You may find me despicable; you can call me a hater; but you cannot take my joy today because of all the days that I have been here, its the Sunniest Day in Philadelphia!!!  I will say this though; this piece could be a reverse jinx for the Eagles and Phillies, who can read this, get inspired, and win the Super Bowl and World Series respectively.  But I’m sorry, I’m gonna enjoy this one today BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Philadelphia Eagles

First of all, I think the Dream Team moniker is overplayed.  Vince Young, who is so 730 it’s not even funny (ask a Titans fan), was the only one to call the Eagles the Dream Team.  So anything he says is inadmissable.  But I still love the sinking ship.  My comrades up here hailed all their signings; I, as a victim of the 2000 Washington Redskins, held my tongue.  I implored my brothers, “racking up superstars doesn’t make a team.”  My comrades scoffed at my and stole my kufi.  So I held my tongue.

I held my tongue as the same problems that plagued the team last year (weak offensive line play, no linebackers, bad safety play) were not addressed.  In fact, they got rid of their best linebackers and safeties.  The Eagles got really good on the sidelines, but the middle of both sides of the ball was the soft underbelly of Rick Ross.  And they are getting exposed so far.

The offensive line can’t keep Michael Vick from getting a new injury every week.  It can’t protect Vick to get the ball to the outside with the great DeSean Jackson (sarcasm) and Jeremy Maclin.  It can’t make a push on the goal-line to get 1-yard for a touchdown.  Then in the 4th quarter, this offense has been outscored 36-0 this season.  36-0 and you have LeSean McCoy, Jackson, and Vick!!!  Youse gotta be kidding me!  On defense, every team is running and passing right up the middle of the Eagles because they have Clay Matthews’s brother (he doesn’t deserve his name) and some substitute teachers at safety.

In the 49ers game, the game that started my excellent Sunday, the Eagles had a 20 point lead at 23-3.  Then the 49ers realized, hey the Eagles are Pillsbury doughboy up the middle.  Alex Smith started slinging over the middle, with TD passes to the Josh Morgan and Vernon Davis.  Frank Gore got his first 100 yard game this season.  The Eagles tightened up faster than a nun’s chastity belt.  Two missed field goals, a fumble, and boneheaded plays doomed the Eagles.  The coaching staff can’t coach up the team, because nobody is coaching up the coaching staff!  The team is falling apart and nobody looks like they want to step up (sound familiar Skins fan).  And I tried to warn these Eagles fans, but no one would listen.  Vindication tastes real good on a Monday morning.

Oh Yeah, I Feel You Brother

Philadelphia Phillies

This team actually may win the World Series (actually they probably will).  They have the best pitching staff ever assembled.  They can still mash the ball if they get hot.  There is nobody I really don’t like on this team; actually the guy I didn’t like from the last 4 years of the Phillies is now on my Washington Nationals.  So my wrath is directed to these fraud Phillies fans.

Now pink hat wearers are unavoidable when things are going well.  We have a ton of them in the DC Area showing up for Capitals games.  But these guys grind my gears when they pretend that they were there when this team was losing 90 games instead of winning 90 games.  I seeth when these guys make fun of my Nationals for 6 years of mediocrity when the Phillies MADE THE PLAYOFFS 9 TIMES IN A 124 YEAR SPAN!!!  Were you there when the Phillies were collapsing in 1964?  Where you wearing your hat in the vet when they lost 97 games in 2000?  I wear my Nats hat, and it’s not causing I’m a crip from LA.  I’m not a front-runner like these frauds.  You can only understand if you live up here.

Back to the Phillies.  They assembled a crew of 4 aces; the city exploded when the Phillies got Cliff Lee back last offseason.  The same Lee that got shelled in the World Series last season.  Roy Halladay, after pitching a no-hitter in the NLDS last season, didn’t do so well in the NLCS.  Cole Hamels, who actually won the city a World Series by himself in 2008, was almost run out of town by these clowns.  And when Cliff Lee blew a 4-0 lead last night in Game 2, these jokers now have to rely on that same Hamels to right the ship in Game 3 on the road.  Heaven forbid that Hamels doesn’t get the job done.

These yahoos will tell you that the Philadelphia fan is greedy, they always want more.  HOW CAN YOU WANT MORE OF SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD!!! You never won a Super Bowl and never assembled a team or kept the team together in the prime of your greatest quarterback in franchise history.  You mortgaged the future from short-term gains after the 2008 season, and you haven’t been close to winning the World Series since.  You railed against the Yankees and Red Sox for buying championships (which if you look at history, it never really happened), then when you get Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, and Pence it’s awesome baby!!! Are you kidding me, frauds and frontrunners?  I liked y’all better when you were losing 90 games and losing in the NFC Championship game with Freddie Mitchell.

Could this be a bitter piece because my Washington teams have been blowing chunks for most of my young life?  Yeah, I guarantee it is.  But trust me, I will make sure that these Philadelphia fans will feel my joy as my teams ascend in these next couple of years while their teams break down, get broken down, and descend into the land of sports purgatory.  But I can’t hate on all of the Philadelphia teams; Go Sixers and Passion!!!

  1. LBC says:

    THE EAGLES ARE THE WORSE!!!! LOL. Picking the 49ers to upset the Eagles in the weekly picks made that comeback so much better. I agree with you in this post as they are about as strong as dora the explorer up the middle. However, I believe their secondary is overrated!!! Alex Smith looked like a great 49ers QB of the past. Has DRC even made a play this season? Let’s evaluate thier secondary stars. You have Asante Samuel who consistently gets beat on the play action pass! You have Nnamdi probably the greatest man cover corner in the league. Unfortunately he is playing in a defense that plays a lot of zone and somewhere on the plane he forgot how to tackle. Third you have DRC who in Arizona was able to use is 4.1 speed to cover up his mistakes because he could recover. Now he playing nickel corner in a zone defense. Him and Nnamdi have no clue what they are doing.


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