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All Hail Queen Bey!

Posted: October 18, 2012 by deedeestonz in NFL

So it was announced this week that Beyonce will indeed continue her quest for world domination be the live entertainment for the Superbowl XLVII halftime show. Yep, just her…no montage of performers…just Beyonce…for 30 freakin’ minutes! For some of you mancavers I know that this announcement is exactly what you’ve been waiting for after years of watered down performances by barely relevant entertainers. This year you all will get some real live half naked gyrating and ass popping by non other than Ms. Bootylicious herself. And for others of you, unless she plans to pop a titty out, you will use these prime 30 minutes of halftime as an opportunity to restock the nacho bowl. But regardless of your level of enthusiasm, Ms. Carter will indeed be rocking the stage at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome on February 3rd and so I have decided to put together a few tips for her to make sure that her show is as fantabulous as all her stans swear it will be and all the Beyonce loathers pray that it will not be!

1. Leave Jay-Z in the audience…please: These two have taken all of the surprise out of bringing your boo on stage for a surprise set because they do it ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. Yes we know you two are married and on the top of your game in your respected genres. Great. Now give it a rest. Plus you two give us those same dry ass non-touching performances you were giving out back when you all were trying to hide the fact that you were indeed an item. Unless Jay is coming out to lay hands on your ass, leave his ass in the stands!

2. Secure the tattas: We know that Beyonce is waaaay to robotic classy to do anything crass like M.I.A’s middle finger stunt from last year buuuuut there is a high possibility for a wardrobe malfunction a la Janet in 2004 and while I know most of you wouldn’t mind it we, as in those of us who actually anticipate the halftime show each year, can NOT afford another “Nipplegate!” If this happens all I have to say is: Beyonce hide ya camel and hide ya kids because I will NOT go back to another 8 years of watching dried up entertainers (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? C’mon son!) try to recapture their golden years on the 50 yard line.

3. Keep your weave away from the pyrotechnics: Yaki, Remi, fur from the underside of a baby goats behind…whatever you will have sitting in mounds upon your head will be  FLAMMABLE! Add hairspray to the equation and WOSH! Learn the lesson from the late great Michael Jackson…

4. Throw little sis a bone: “But if you could have Beyonce would you take Solange?” Poor Solange. She has had to live her entire life as the awkward looking younger sister of a pop superstar. Then said superstar goes and marries a hip hop mogul and procreates to produce a little ball of “rap royalty” leaving Solange in a very distant fourth place for any recognition from anyone. For this reason alone Beyonce should let little sis at least sing do-wop in the background or remix a verse on one of her songs. Hell even Michelle got to sing 3.5 lines on the last Destiny’s Child album.

5. NOLA Tribute: And on a more serious note, the single most awesome thing that Beyonce can do during her 30 minute halftime show is to properly acknowledge the city of New Orleans for battling back from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and being in the position to even host the 2013 Superbowl.

Speaking from experience Beyonce is a great live performer so this year’s halftime show should be nothing short of entertaining…and if she follows my advice prepare for something absolutely AMAZEballs!

GridIron Swag

Posted: September 6, 2011 by deedeestonz in College Football, Just Turrible

This opening weekend of college football was EXCITING! That Baylor/TCU game WHEW! And like I tweeted earlier the highlight reel from last weekend was BANANAS! But there was another battle that ensued on collegiate football fields across the country last weekend, one that had nothing to do with touchdowns scored. Nope. This last weekend saw a full out FASHION WAR on the grid iron! *gasp* Yup. College football was a fashion show last weekend and I loved it! I think uniforms were tweeted about more than the actual plays being made on the field and not just by the ladies.  So who won this swag showdown and who failed miserably??? Here is my take on it:

I absolutely LOVED Oregon’s uniforms…they basically puked swag all over Cowboys Stadium. I mean who can come back from LOSING a national title game last season and intimidate everybody on the field with pure swag before the ball was even snapped like Oregon did on Saturday?!?!?  And that neon green in HD? Oh yea…Oregon players should walk around in their uniforms everyday. Bet the yammage goes up! *cue Big Sean “Dance”* “Now make that mutha sucka hammertime!” But anyway I give Oregon an A-. Why you ask…their poor showing in the actual game! You can’t look that cool and let the LSU defense beat on you like that. ANNNNND the reason why they will NEVER get a perfect score from me: THEY NEVER SWAG OUT THE MASCOT!!!

Giving Oregon a run for most swag last weekend was UGA. Their colors alone…hotness!  All red everything…tight! That helmet…ehhhhh! Poor, poor, poor, execution! That two-tone face mask should have been aborted early.  As a matter of fact UGA failed from the neck up on this one.  The verdict: B

While many people bashed the University of Maryland uniforms inspired by the Maryland state flag I didn’t think they were THAT bad.  In fact their uniform may have been the most creative out of anyone’s, it just suffered a case of “concept overkill.”  When accessorizing an outfit we women have always been taught that less is more and if we feel over accessorized take one piece off until the look is right.  Well UM could have taken a few pieces off! Like the gold and yellow checked arm bands…what the heck was that??? They should have decided to go with a flag themed jersey OR a flag themed helmet. Doing both was clearly doing too much.  Their jerseys alone were dope enough for them to get a best dressed nod so they didn’t really need the extras.  So for failure to properly asses their look and recognize when they were teetering  the clown suit line I give the Terapins a C+ (and that is me being generous because they pay my wages).

Honorable Mention:  Boise State

Their color combo is sick.  I prefer the blue jerseys over the white they wore last weekend but they still have one of the nicest uniforms in college football.

To be loved!: The Michael Vick melodrama

Posted: August 25, 2011 by deedeestonz in NFL

The melodramatic format allows the character to work through their difficulties or surmount the problems with resolute endurance, sacrificial acts, and steadfast bravery. – Wikipedia

 

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how the Philadelphia Eagles season will mirror that of the Miami Heat (i.e. big money = big disappointment) and after about 5 minutes of going toe-to-toe with him I had to ask for clarification “Wait, aren’t you a Giants fan???” to which he replied “Yea but I ride for Vick though.”  And that statement alone brings me to the question: Why do we (and when I say we I mean why “we the people of the United States”…well mostly the BLACK people of the United States) love Michael Vick so darn much?!

This post will be short because as I have found out from numerous conversations with Vick fans, they can’t really say why they all of a sudden like him so much!  But these are the two reasons I got the most:

1. He’s the “underdog”

Oh really? Did we consider Vick the underdog before or AFTER he got locked up for dog fighting???  Going to jail seems to be a requirement for our love. Hell it worked for A.I. so why not for Vick too?  The only difference…Allen Iverson was indeed a KID when he was involved in the brawl AND he was somewhat innocent.  Vick was an adult who decided to cruelly fight dogs. And that Toure argument that he was normalized to it because he seen it growing up…give me a freaking break!

Folks we have GOT to stop.  My friend just tweeted me that he respects Vick because he took control of his future. 0_0 Boy bye! He had control of his future the day he signed that NFL contract.  I am sure his family and friends weren’t holding a gun to his head making him fight dogs or even fund the operation.  The fact of the matter is he made a stupid decision that could have ruined his life.  Kudos to him for turning it around but PLEASE don’t make his situation seem like it was something done to him…he did it to himself.

2. That boy got talent!

Bringing it back to football, yes Michael Vick is talented.  In fact I would argue that his success is majority based off of raw talent.  Let’s face it Vick does not and probably never will possess the fundamental acumen that is supposedly required of the QB position like Peyton Manning does (I make the argument that Ben Rothelesberger doesn’t either but this ain’t about him).  But clearly he got SKILLZ so he is basically telling the league “eff your fundamentals!” and c’mon who doesn’t love that???  Vick plays the QB position with a type of reckless abandonment that is basically unheard of and guess what? He makes it work!  So while sometimes he does things on the field that are super cringe-worthy most of us give him credit for just having the BALLS to attempt an out of the box play.

In my eyes the only valid reason to like Michael Vick is reason #2.  He is a great football player.  That is it.  Anything beyond that is hogwash.  All that talk about his “circumstances” and what he battled back from? Kill that noise.  At the end of the day he did his time and now he is back to doing what he most likely does best…playing ball! So please next time someone asks you why you pucker a little everytime someone mentions #7 just stick to what the man does on the field. Plain and simple.

People Don’t Dance No Mo’

Posted: August 17, 2011 by deedeestonz in NFL

This post was inspired by this tweet from Chad Ochocino

” @ochocinco: Being that the celebrations rules are so strict all post touchdown celebrations will be done by Patriots fans in #FlashMob form. #Awesomeness”

I know that the league put the squeeze on end zone celebrations a looong time ago but it does not make the fans long for these outrageous celebrations any less…in fact part of the excitement of watching a receiver make an brilliant catch and run it in for a TD was the anticipation of what kind of coonery he would come up with to celebrate his awesomeness once he got there.  But thanks to the tight shirts in the front office, the NFL now resembles Orwell’s Oceania (hope I didn’t lose any of you there) and with the massive fines being handed out for every tiny offense I’m sure no players are willing to martyr their paycheck for the sake of fan enjoyment so it looks like we will have to reminisce on the greatness of celebrations past.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Deion “Prime Time” Sanders: Perhaps not the most innovative celebrator but HANDS DOWN one of the most entertaining and as the pioneer of over the top TD celebrations Prime Time definitely gets the top spot on my list!

2.  Chad Ochocinco:  Coming in a close second to Prime Time is the man who inspired this post, Mr. Ochocinco himself.  THIS MAN IS A FOOL! I don’t know which celebrations I love more between his absolutely hilarious dancing or when he is just being a jerk asking the league not to fine him…again!  Chad has found a way to navigate league celebration rules and for that the fans (well most of us anyway) thank him!

3.  The Warren Sapp Bunny Hop:  While any man of Sapp’s size doing any dance as   swag-less as a “bunny hop” is *PAUSE* worthy, this right here was still one of the most HILARIOUS things I’ve ever witnessed on a football field.

4.  T.O. Mocks the Patriots:  In general I think Terrell Owens is an a-hole…but my disdain for him is much less than my disdain for the cheating ass Patriots! What they did was pretty…LAME! But I digress. T.O. has had some jerky albeit funny celebrations but this one I can actually get on board with so it makes my list!

5. Lambeau Moon: To cap the list I chose Randy Moss pretending to moon the crowd after catching a ridiculous 34-yard pass and scoring against the Green Bay Packers.  The fact that he mooned the crowd makes me giggle but what REALLY cracks me up is how disgusted everyone was (and by everyone I mean announcers and the NFL) by his display. To me it seemed like the harmless fun that comes along with competitive sports…to the NFL it was an offense worth $10,000 of Moss’ hard earned money. SMH.


Anyway those are my top 5.  How about you? What TD celebrations will you look back upon with revelry now that the NFL has cuffed end zone celebration?

After reading It’sThumbalina’s post on how to successfully infiltrate the mancave, I thought I would be remiss if I didn’t add a few additional rules of conduct from the point of view of the SHEmale sports fanatic!

Now that ItsThumbalina has schooled us all on how to be accepted into the mancave and gave us a few pointers on how not to offend and have your access revoked once the cave doors have been open to you. *clap for her*  We must establish a few rules that go beyond gaining points with your boo thang for showing you possess an understanding of the importance of the mancave and will solemnly swear to do your part to uphold and obey the rules of a man’s sports domain.  These additional rules apply directly to women like myself who actually KNOW and LOVE the game of football.  For me being invited into the mancave is goes beyond making sure I bring the good snacks and don’t burn the wings. No, for me access to the man cave is mix of excitement and anxiety as I try to balance my role as misses with my passion for the game.  So for those of us who know that the tight end didn’t get his position for having the best booty on the team (yes I have a friend who actually thought this) here are a few additional rules to abide by while flexing  our sports knowledge that will keep you from is bruising any ego’s and getting yourself exiled from the mancave for the remainder of the season!

Rule #1: Remember this is still the MAN cave

The mancave is a place of freedom for men to let loose, talk crap, make a few revelations and sometimes venture into deep conversation all under the guise of a testosterone filled evening of beer swigging and chest bumping.  They may not know it, but letting women in on this male bonding experience leaves them more vulnerable than Jay Cutler in the pocket!  HOWEVER, as guests in the mancave rule # 1 dictates that we respect these moments of exposure and use this time to grab everyone another round (or take a closer look at Tom Brady’s assets) to basically do ANYTHING but participate! And above all remember that what we see and hear inside the mancave STAYS INSIDE THE MANCAVE!!

Rule #2: Back that thang up!

I know this rule got a collective PAUSE from readers but take a walk with me because I promise I am not promoting gyrating in the mancave!

Debating sports is a true art form and there is no faster way to lose your credibility in a sports debate than to make an argument that you cannot back up! Now this is applicable to both men and women but for us ladies it is especially important because not being able to hold your own in a sports debate will have the guys T Pain’ing you every time you open your mouth.  Yes ONE slip-up, ONE faulty argument and your sports acumen will be put on permanent disregard by the fellas.  So I suggest you only chime in on discussions in which you are well versed and even then make sure you can go toe-to-toe with most informed guy there…you know the one who watches back to back episodes of ESPN even though they are EXACTLY the same and gets OVERLY excited at the 2 second shots of cheerleaders at commercial breaks…yea that guy will rip you to SHREDS and only part of it has to do with sports.  The rest is a mash up between the fact that his last girlfriend indeed cheated on him with a basketball player annnnnd because his horrible bean dip is still sitting on the counter because he had no SHEmale to guide him in proper mancave cuisine…in short HE’S MAAAD!

 Rule #3: Know when to shut up!

Yup I am admitting it…women never know when to just shut up! Like in life! We do not know when to just bite the bullet and shut the heck up!  And this single flaw my dears WILL be the first step in getting you booted from the mancave.  Yes you may possess more sports knowledge in your pinky than half of the men in the room, however you don’t need to let them know this (well at least not all at once).  Pick your battles wisely…if you just slaughtered your man’s best friend in a debate about who has the best O-line in the league and left him sweating and speechless (men can you please tell me why you sweat so much when your ego is being dropped kicked???) than you are done for the day! Take the rest of the day to chill, sip a beer and do things (like making a Doritoes run) that will restore the balance of the mancave.

Rule #4: Be a team player!

This rule only applies to your man…or another male in the cave that you may be liking on.  There will be times when your man will make the faultiest argument regarding sports you’ve ever heard and even though the entire room is giving him a collective side eye, YOU baby girl better have his back!  You better rack your brain for ways to make his shitty argument smell like roses and NEVER, EVER are you to play him by calling him on his BS. Failure to put on your cheerleaders cap will not only put you in mancave moratorium but you will be hard pressed to see the “nook” for the rest of the season because trust me ladies when it comes to stuff like this men can hold a MEAN grudge!

So as you can see successfully infiltrating the mancave is a tricky thing to do and when you are a woman who genuinely enjoys sports the conundrum on how to go about being adopted into the fold goes far beyond supplying good food and not asking “stupid” questions while the game is on.  And while we would LIKE to be thought of as just one of the guys when we enter the mancave we come with “extras” (two to be exact) that will never allow us to fully assimilate into the beer chugging, chest bumping culture that dominates the mancave and that my sister cavewomen is why we must obey the special rules set upon us as perpetual outsiders of this male domain!